Author: batmanboxers [Sarah]
Pairing: Remus Lupin / Sirius Black
Summary: “Maybe it’s trying to talk,” Sirius mused with a wistful tone, “Maybe it likes us.”
“Maybe it thinks you are its mother and wants a hug,” Remus quipped scathingly.
Disclaimer: I am sadly not JKR, alas.
Author Notes: Dedicated to dragonflykissez because she's been listening to me going on about this fic for months and months and never complained
Sirius Black, Remus mused, was completely and utterly insane. There was no other way around it; he was actually loopy, round the bloody twist, bonkers.
“Sirius,” Remus hissed, “What on earth are you doing?”
“I, my dear Moonshine, am obviously trying to win your affections,” Sirius answered with a wide smile and a wink.
“By transfiguring everything in the classroom into a – a – fuck Sirius, I don’t even know what they are,” Remus said, pulling his patented Moony Flabbergasted Face of Wonder, and prodding a misshapen object with his toe. He had simply been wandering around Hogwarts looking for Sirius when he had found him stood in the centre of the Transfigurations classroom gazing at three oddly shaped grey lumps. As he had gotten closer he’d noticed that not only were these objects pulsating, but they were oozing a gooey grey substance.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius sighed in an affected tone and swung his leg to perch on a desk, “your face has gone all horror-struck again and you know how much it makes me swoon.”
Remus scowled then, and Sirius imitated the noise that Gladys Witherwings made every time he so much as breathed in her direction, and promptly fell from the table.
“The scowl! Oh Moony, the scowl! That’s almost as brilliant as the disapproving face,” he cried, rolling across the floor in a gesture of pleasure.
“I wouldn’t do that, Sirius, those things seem to be oozing.” Remus cautioned throwing a worried look at the blobs of discharging lumps Sirius had transfigured from the classroom.
“Aren’t they meant to ooze?” Sirius asked, sitting upright and staring at the lumps as though they were just about to launch an attack.
“I still don’t know what they are.” Remus replied, moving back a step, just in case.
“Beanbags.” Sirius whispered, looking furtively around the room.
“Beanbags?” Remus asked, eyebrows raised extremely high. Sirius made a mental note to add it to the Eyebrow Chart. He had the sneaky suspicion he had beaten the reaction that James’ Vomiting Lovehearts had caused back in the Hogwarts Explosion of ‘74.
“Beanbags, Sirius? Beanbags do not ooze, they are not that particular oozy, shivery grey,” Remus stated, watching his friend with a look of disbelief on his face.
“Well, they just appeared like that, and I wasn’t sure, I thought it was some fancy Muggle invention.”
“Have you ever seen a beanbag before, Sirius?”
“Well, no,” he admitted, “but I read about them. I was going to try a Lava lamp but I wasn’t sure your old heart could take it just yet, I was going to break you in gently.”
“I don’t-” Remus stuttered, “I’m not sure I should even consider you trying to conjure up a lava lamp. I think the mere thought might put me in St. Mungos forever.”
“Well that, my dear Remus, is why I tried the beanbags first.”
“Very considerate of you, Padfoot” Remus said with a semi-frightened laugh, “But that does not explain why these particular beanbags are leaking a rather venomous looking goo at us.”
“I don’t think it’s particularly venomous Moony, it would have eaten my shoe by now,” Sirius replied, sticking his foot in the air and showing Remus his boot. Sirius was still swooning on the floor, gazing up at Remus with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. His hair had fallen about his face and it gave him the impression of a rather manic troublemaker, which Remus mused, he actually was. It was in the eyes, he thought, that certain predilection for mischief. One only had to glance at the misted sparkle in them to know that Sirius Black was not far from plotting mayhem.
It was then that one of the beanbags gave a rather loud hiccup. Sirius was on his feet in seconds, tugging Remus away from the swelling mass that was now spitting grey goo at them.
“Beanbags aren’t supposed to hiccup,” Remus commented, staggering away from the undulating heap. They seemed to be converging upon one and other until there was just one mass of pulsing dark material. Remus watched it with an anxious expression as it began to throb and pull, seemingly growing inside.
“It looks so squidgy,” Sirius shuddered, still tugging on Remus’ arm, trying to pull him further away.
“I wasn’t sure squidgy could be so ominous.” Remus whispered reverently, eyeing up the ooze with caution.
“Think we can make a run for it?” Sirius questioned his grip on Remus’ hand uncomfortably tight.
“I’m not sure; the goo seems to be multiplying.” Remus replied and watched with horror as the Ooze spread across the ground and reached the classroom door. It was now blocking them in and Remus searched his mind frantically, desperate to find an escape plan.
“We’re trapped.” Sirius whispered and tugged at Remus’ jumper, pulling him back and Remus winced as his head clunked painfully against the stone wall. Sirius shot him a sympathetic look before turning back to their gooey assailant.
“I think its alive Padfoot.” Remus whispered conspiratorially.
“It’s going to eat us,” Sirius announced with a hushed voice, automatically reaching for Remus’ hand. Remus squeezed it back in reply and with his other reached for his wand.
“They look nothing like the pictures in the magazines,” Sirius stated and Remus raised an eyebrow in reply, “I mean they don’t look like they’re filled with beans.”
“Sirius, tell me you didn’t think they were made with baked beans, please tell me you didn’t.”
“Alright Moony, I most certainly did not think that beanbags meant baked beans.” Sirius said with mock sincerity.
“Different kind of bean,” Remus replied
“Remus, there are no other beans, the baked bean is the king and all the others are shoddy impostors.”
“Okay, so you somehow managed to make that mutation” Remus stated, waving his arm in the direction of the lumpish heap, “by misinterpreting the idea of a bean bag, it is not an oozing bag full of baked beans. But that does not explain why it is grey or why it is slowly inching its way towards us.”
“Well, I might’ve tried a little embellishment,” Sirius answered with a sheepish grin.
“Sirius, what did we tell you about embellishment?” Remus asked as if speaking to a child,
“That I was not to do it under any circumstance whatsoever and that the word was in fact, not in my vocabulary?” Sirius recited,
“Yes, now why can’t you listen?”
“I was either thinking about snogging, or Quidditch, or both.” Sirius answered simply, Remus merely stared at him, mouth agape.
“Maybe if you listened we could spend more time snogging than being cornered by baked beans in a bag.”
“Yeah, but what about the Quidditch?” Sirius asked
“That’s more James’ department,” Remus replied and then turned his attention back to the ‘beanbag’, “Sirius we have to get out of here.”
“Yeah!” Sirius agreed enthusiastically, “I have some needs James’ has to attend to.”
Remus muttered something under his breath that Sirius could have sworn rhymed with ‘astard’ but this was Remus he was with so he ignored it.
“What was this embellishment exactly?” Remus queried as the thing drew nearer and larger, the grey lump mutating steadily, slowly filling the room. Sirius gave Remus a hangdog look before answering,
“I kind of said a lot of words all at once and I’m not sure which ones I used.”
“Dear Merlin, one day you will get us killed.” Remus sighed,
“At least you’ll die happy.”
“Yes, because being swallowed whole by a transfigured table masquerading as a malformed beanbag is the way to go.”
“It’s actually McGonagall’s cupboard,” Sirius muttered,
“Did it occur to you to take the ingredients out first?” Remus asked with a tinge of hysteria in his tone. He got his answer from the look of light dawning over Sirius’ face, and kicked him.
“Ow! Remus!” Sirius whined and looked hurt,
“You are the biggest berk I have ever had the misfortune to meet Sirius Black, by far the worst ever.” Remus spluttered, keeping his eyes on the transforming mass between them and the door. Sirius made a hushing noise and cocked his head to one side. The ooze was slowly creeping its way towards the two boys. Its mass knocked over the tables Sirius’ had left behind, and scattered equipment with a quiver. It stretched and squirmed in front of them, towering over them both. It gurgled and Remus swallowed the urge to laugh as small orange bubbles popped around them.
“Maybe it’s trying to talk,” Sirius mused with a wistful tone, “Maybe it likes us.”
“Maybe it thinks you are its mother and wants a hug,” Remus quipped scathingly.
“Nah, if it wanted a hug it’d go to you, you don’t smell like you went one-on-one with the Giant Squid.”
“I don’t even want to know anymore,” Remus answered with a groan, eyes still firmly fixed on the Ooze, mind frantically working out an escape plan. His gaze flitted to the window on the opposite side of the room, and he quickly devised a plot to escape. Using Sirius to soften the impact of his descent also helped his mood a little.
“What are you smiling at?” Sirius asked with suspicion and Remus answered with a small wolfish grin and bared his teeth at Sirius. The Ooze was growing in size and the small tinkling of breaking glass and the crash of desks brought Remus back to the matter at hand. It didn’t look particularly violent but it was growing fast and filling the room. The two boys didn’t stand a chance of getting past it to the door and it was solid enough to make going through it a difficult task. It wobbled its jelly-like body at them and Sirius looked longingly at the creature for a second before grasping Remus hand again.
“We’ll be suffocated by the thing,” Remus commented and threw Sirius a panicked glance.
“Think we can take it?” Sirius asked quietly and intently, and Remus felt a peculiar feeling somewhere just below his ribcage, a flutter or a twinge somewhere in his stomach. He could feel colour flood his face and all the molecules in his body zapped through to his hand and the press of skin on skin. He realised Sirius was staring at him and the gloop of sound as the Ooze moved brought Remus back to his senses.
“We can try” Remus replied, flexing his fist around his wand and checking the room again.
“Together?” Sirius queried and Remus looked up to catch Sirius’ deep, silver stare. He nodded and they both shifted, facing the undulating heap with purpose. Remus shuffled through his mental index card of spells as he heard Sirius counting down to one. Then, suddenly, Remus’ mind went blank. He sucked in a deep breath and pointed his wand at the beanbag and shouted ‘Confringo’ just as Sirius yelled out ‘Expulso’. He heard Sirius murmur the words,
Before he closed his eyes as an almighty bang filled the room. He heard the wet splatter of goo hit the walls; the ceiling, himself, and he heaved a sigh and looked at Sirius. He was covered head to toe in goo and the dishevelled boy just stared at Remus for a moment before a jaw splitting grin spread across his face,
“That was so cool Moony, let’s do it again!”
“I would think, Mr Black, that you have done enough damage for the evening,” said the voice of Minerva McGonagall somewhere by the doorway. Remus sighed and mentally prepared himself for a gruelling night cleaning the Transfiguration classroom by hand. He threw Sirius a belligerent look and wiped the slime on to his jumper. He caught Sirius’ eye, the sheepish, innocent looking grin and the way his eyes danced with mayhem and Remus sighed.
Sirius Black may have been insane, but Remus Lupin was just as bad merely because he wouldn’t give this up for the world.